*Animals*

• P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
• A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
• Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
• I love cats ... dead ones
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
• Cat - The other white meat
• Spotted owl tastes just like chicken
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
• Meat is yummy!
• Save the whales - Collect the whole set
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty
• So many recipes, so few cats
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
• I love animals...they're delicious
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
• My Dog Can Lick Anyone
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  *Cars / Trucks*

• Horn broken, watch for finger
• Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail
• Keep honking, I'm reloading
• Pardon my driving; I'm reloading
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off
• Hang up and drive
• Honk if you love peace and quiet
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
• Don't run your fingers over my truck ... and I won't run my truck over your fingers!
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way

  *Life Observations*

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
• I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges
• When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape
• If, a two letter word for futility
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
• I don't care, I don't have to
• You were born naked, wet and hungry ... then thing get worse
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
• A day without sunshine is like, night
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
• Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton
• Mean people rule!
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
• There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
• Two wrongs are only the beginning
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
• Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
• A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool
• Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
• Women are like telephones ... They love to be talked to, they love to be held, but if you push the wrong button ... you're disconnected

  *"Love"*

• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
• All men are idiots ... I married their king
• I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep in
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked
• Wink, I'll do the rest!
• Orgasum Donor
• Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
• Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
• Remember my name; You'll be screaming it later!
• Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair
• My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
• It's only kinky the first time

  *Me & You*

• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
• He who hesitates is probably right
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
• Always try to be modest - And be proud of it!
• Half the people you know are below average
• I Want It All and I Want It Delivered
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
• I just got lost in thought - It was unfamiliar territory
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
• I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals!"
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
• I took an IQ test ... and the results were negative
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• My reality check bounced
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
• Be nice to your kids - They'll choose your nursing home
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
• Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
• Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
• Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!

  *Partying*

• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
• My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs
• Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink
• A fool and his money are soon partying

  *Work / Money / Business*

• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
• No one is listening until you make a mistake
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished
• Help wanted, telepathy: you know where to apply
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now
• Procrastinate Now
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

  *TV / Movies*

• Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
• Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
• Guests who kill talk show hosts... On the last Geraldo

  *Computers*

• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

  *Guns*

• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
• Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my Gun
• GUN CONTROL - Worked in L.A., didn't it?
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

  *Religion*

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
• Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole
• Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth
• Lord save me from your followers
• Born again pagan
• God must love stupid people, he made so many
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization

  *School / Math / Science*

• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
• I souport publik edekasion
• hoket on foniks werked fur me
• Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
• If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

  *Medicine / Anatomy*

• On the other hand, you have different fingers
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine
• Rehab Is for Quitters
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

  *Law / Lawyers*

• You have the right to remain silent - Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you
• Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned

  *Government*

• Born free... taxed to death
• IRS - We've got what it takes to take what you've got
• (Picture: ATF Agent in black Ninja outfit) I'm from the Government, I'm here to help you

  *Political*

• Visualize Whirled Peas
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
• Being Politically Correct means: Always haveing to say you're sorry
• Death to all fanatics!
• Stop Global Whining
• The Nazis made the world realize that it's sometimes necessary to quit talking about peace and just start dropping bombs
• Celebrate Ability!
• Join the army, leave your family, risk your life, defend the Constitution ... then come home and have the liberals treat you like shit
• It will be a great day when our country's defenders get all the money they need and the liberals have to hold a bake sale to pay for their ego-serving Socialist agenda
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

  *Clinton*

  
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