Compiled byUncle Dave
Uncle Dave's Fun Quotes.
Uncle Dave's Rude Biker Stickers.
Uncle Dave's Buttons & T-shirts.
Uncle Dave's Bathroom Walls.
Animals - Cars/Trucks - Life Observations - "Love" - Me & You - Partying - Work/Money/Business
TV/Movies - Computers - Guns
Religion - School/Math/Science - Medicine / Anatomy
Law / Lawyers - Government - Political - Clinton
The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth ... The rest of us are going to The Stars!
- P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
- A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
- Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
- I love cats ... dead ones
- I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
- Cat - The other white meat
- Spotted owl tastes just like chicken
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
- Meat is yummy!
- Save the whales - Collect the whole set
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty
- So many recipes, so few cats
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- I love animals...they're delicious
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
- My Dog Can Lick Anyone
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
*Cars / Trucks*
- Horn broken, watch for finger
- Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail
- Keep honking, I'm reloading
- Pardon my driving; I'm reloading
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off
- Hang up and drive
- Honk if you love peace and quiet
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
- Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
- Don't run your fingers over my truck ... and I won't run my truck over your fingers!
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
- I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges
- When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape
- If, a two letter word for futility
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
- I don't care, I don't have to
- You were born naked, wet and hungry ... then thing get worse
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
- If something goes without saying, LET IT!
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
- A day without sunshine is like, night
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
- Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton
- Mean people rule!
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
- There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
- Two wrongs are only the beginning
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
- Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
- A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool
- Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
- Women are like telephones ... They love to be talked to, they love to be held, but if you push the wrong button ... you're disconnected
- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
- All men are idiots ... I married their king
- I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep in
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- Orgasum Donor
- Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
- Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- Remember my name; You'll be screaming it later!
- Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair
- My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
- It's only kinky the first time
*Me & You*
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
- He who hesitates is probably right
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
- Always try to be modest - And be proud of it!
- Half the people you know are below average
- I Want It All and I Want It Delivered
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I just got lost in thought - It was unfamiliar territory
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
- I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals!"
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
- It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
- I took an IQ test ... and the results were negative
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- My reality check bounced
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else
- I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
- Be nice to your kids - They'll choose your nursing home
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
- Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
- Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
- There's too much blood in my alcohol system
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
- My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs
- Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink
- A fool and his money are soon partying
*Work / Money / Business*
- How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
- No one is listening until you make a mistake
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished
- Help wanted, telepathy: you know where to apply
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish
- Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now
- Procrastinate Now
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
*TV / Movies*
- Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
- Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
- Guests who kill talk show hosts... On the last Geraldo
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
- Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my Gun
- GUN CONTROL - Worked in L.A., didn't it?
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole
- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth
- Lord save me from your followers
- Born again pagan
- God must love stupid people, he made so many
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization
*School / Math / Science*
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
- I souport publik edekasion
- hoket on foniks werked fur me
- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
- If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
*Medicine / Anatomy*
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine
- Rehab Is for Quitters
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
*Law / Lawyers*
- You have the right to remain silent - Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you
- Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned
- Born free... taxed to death
- IRS - We've got what it takes to take what you've got
- (Picture: ATF Agent in black Ninja outfit) I'm from the Government, I'm here to help you
- Visualize Whirled Peas
- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
- Being Politically Correct means: Always haveing to say you're sorry
- Death to all fanatics!
- Stop Global Whining
- The Nazis made the world realize that it's sometimes necessary to quit talking about peace and just start dropping bombs
- Celebrate Ability!
- Join the army, leave your family, risk your life, defend the Constitution ... then come home and have the liberals treat you like shit
- It will be a great day when our country's defenders get all the money they need and the liberals have to hold a bake sale to pay for their ego-serving Socialist agenda
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
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Check back often as this page will be growing fast! I have FILEs of quotes I just not have had the time (yet) to post them! -UD
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